Historical Assholes

History (real or imagined) has always been one of my biggest inspirations. It permeates every aspect of my art whether it shows or not. In my mind, I’m usually in a time fall removed from the current. Whenever one decides to jump into the ol’ time machine and travel to a new period in history, there is always someone whose dastardly deeds ruin the time for everyone. These are called Historical Assholes. Join me as I expose the most vicious villains, cowardly criminals and warped warmongers in history.

One day the people of the future (and we do hope they’ll exist) will look back period in time we now reside in (I think its sometime in the 2010s). Who will the Historical Asshole of our time be? Lets hope its not you!

Here are a selection of Historical Assholes from a long-forgotten Instagram page I made. The practice will now be revived in the form of this blog, however future candidates will most likely get lengthier accounts to truly show the magnitude of their assholery.

BRIGHAM YOUNG

Historical Asshole, Brigham Young was chosen for his part in the Utah War (especially the Mountain Meadow Massacre) as well as for the destruction of the memorial set up for it. This, of course, is in addition to his racism, sexism and just plain stupidity.

BLOODY BILL ANDERSON

Described as a "heartless scoundrel, "the devil" and the "bloodiest man in America's deadliest war," this Historical Asshole is Confederate Guerrilla leader Bloody Bill Anderson (1840-1864). Chosen due to his predilection for rape, murder, sadistic torture and for wearing the scalps of the Union soldiers he killed on a necklace as well as using them to decorate his horse; Bloody Bill was not only a psychopathic murderer, but a Historical Asshole as well!

JOHN CHIVINGTON

I now present John Chivington (1821-1894). He was a Methodist pastor, Civil War colonel and vicious murderer. In 1864, he led an army of 700 men during the massacre of Sand Creek , in which he and his men brutally murdered 70-163 peaceful Cheyenne and Arapaho. He then proceeded to mutilate the corpses and use the various body parts as trophies for him and his torturous troops. If you ask me, that makes him one big historical asshole.

TOMAS DE TORQUEMATA

Historical Asshole Tomás de Torquemada (1420-1498) was the first Grand Inquisitor in the Spanish Inquisition. About 2000 people were killed during his time as the Grand Inquisitor. Since then, his name as become synonymous with horror, religious bigotry and cruel fanaticism. Now, you can add historical asshole to that list.

CALIGULA

Here is Caligula , a roman emperor who indulged in incest, depravity, murder, torture and forced prostitution. He also had one hell of a god complex. He was such a Historical Asshole that they made a whole movie dedicated to his assholishness.

DRACO

This Historical Asshole is Grecian lawmaker, Draco (650-600 b.c.). A lawmaker known for his brutality, he delivered strict punishments for any minor offense - for example: if a debtor's status was lower than that of his creditor, the debtor would be forced into slavery. He was also known of his liberal use of the death penalty for slight transgressions. He was such a Historical Asshole that his name became the root for the word Draconian , defined as "extremely strict or severe".

POPE INNOCENT VII

This especially dastardly asshole is Pope Innocent VII - I'm sure he committed multiple assholish offenses but he has made his way onto this list because he called for the condemnation of all cats during the Spanish Inquisition (there seems to be a lot of historical assholery during the inquisition). He claimed cats were demonic and signs of the devil and due to his pope-y bullshit, caused thousands of poor wonderful cats to be executed. He was very very lucky that I wasn't alive in the 1400s.

That's all for today! Stay Tuned to find out who the next Historical Asshole will be! (There may be a few Historical Heroes as well - I guess that all depends on what i'm reading)